Just In Time For Christmas

This is my desk at work. Notice anything odd about it? 

No? How about now?

For those of you who are horticulturally challenged the green stuff that is precariously hanging above my desk is Mistletoe. I didn't notice it at first because there was also a cluster scotch taped to the doorway leading into the office. I can only assume that this was done in an attempt to throw me off and keep my attention away from the Mistletoe above my desk. Unfortunately, the plan worked and I didn't realize I was sitting under a cluster of sexual harassment plant until it was too late. "Too late", meaning the only guy who works in the office snuck up behind me and kissed me on the top of my head while I was checking my e-mail. Despite being completely freaked out, I found myself feeling a little smug since I hadn't washed my hair that day (or possibly even the day before) and I figure the experience was probably just as unpleasant for him as it was for me. 

Needless to say the Mistletoe promptly found its way to the garbage can and hasn't been back since. I'm just grateful that I'm not going to be anywhere near Eufaula on New Years Eve.

Spotted In Eufaula

You know the saying "Stranger things have happened"? That saying does not apply to anything that happens within the city limits of Eufaula, AL.

Today I saw something that I will never forget, and probably never see again.

I had just left work and was driving to pick Nick up for lunch. To get to the main highway from my work I have to drive through a very residential area for a few miles. Many of the houses that I drive by are beautiful antebellum mansions that have large front yards. Something about one of these houses caught my attention today. In the front yard of one of the houses there was a man crouched down, wearing a large leather glove on his right arm, with a GIANT BIRD perched atop his forearm. And I'm not talking about a Dove or a Pigeon or even a Crow, I'm talking about a Falcon or a Hawk. To illustrate my point this is a similar sized bird.

I have so many questions, like...
Why did that man have such a large bird? In his front yard? In a residential neighborhood? And why was Animal Planet not filming it??


I have a feeling I may never know, and I probably don't want to.

What's for Lunch?

One of the things that is just inherently different about this town than other (larger) towns is that everyone takes an hour lunch break. And I mean everyone. Between 11am and noon the entire town just shuts down while people take their lunch break. I was even told by a mechanic once to NOT bring my car in from 11-noon because no one would be there. Well, since everyone else leaves for lunch, Nick insists that we do the same thing. I guess he just wants to fit in with the cool kids. 

Surprisingly this is what I've been having a hard time adjusting to in Eufaula. It's not the hour long commute, or the new job (and its borderline minimum wage), or the people. It's the food. First of all, the options are extremely limited, there are probably a total of 20 restaurants in Eufaula, half of which are Fast Food joints. Second there seems to be a monopoly on any restaurant that serves any cuisine other than American. For example...

No. 1 Chinese Buffet

Aptly named, considering it is the only Chinese restaurant in Eufaula. They shamelessly display their "Readers Choice, Best Chinese Restaurant in Eufaula" Award from the Eufaula Tribune on the wall behind the cash register. This Chinese restaurant not only offers a full buffet, but it also has a menu with like 800 items on it. How they keep their kitchen fully stocked with all the ingredients for these different dishes I REALLY don't want to know. I also don't want to know how long that crab puff has been sitting out.

Old Mexico

Unless you count Taco Bell, this is the only "Mexican" restaurant in Eufaula, and I use the term "Mexican" loosely. The fajitas at Chili's are more authentic than the fajitas at Old Mexico. When you order "queso" at a Mexican restaurant in Austin you get a bowl of delicious golden cheese perfectly blended with peppers and tomatoes and piping hot. When you order "queso" in Eufaula you get what looks like a bowl of thick milk. It's just melted white cheddar, no peppers, no tomatoes, no deliciousness. I'm working on a theory about how the quality of Mexican food can be directly related to the distance from the Mexican border. Mexican food in Austin = amazing, flavorful, unique and f-ing delicious. Mexican food in Alabama/Georgia = terrible, bland, predictable and there are not enough margaritas in any establishment to change my mind about that. The Taco Bell's in Austin are even better. How is that possible, you ask? 3 words, Cheesy Gordita Crunch, the best (and only good) item on the Taco Bell menu. And as if I'm not being punished enough already, someone decided that the Taco Bell's in Alabama AND Georgia are not going to serve these delicious treats. Do they have every single ingredient for one sitting in the back of their kitchen? Yes. Will they make me one? NO!

Phil's Bar B-Que

Their slogan? "Best Butts in Town". Well hell, if that doesn't make you want to eat there then I don't know what would. I can't even begin the comparisons between this place and the Bar B-Que in Texas. However, compared to "Old Mexico" it's pretty good, but it could be better if it had one thing...Macaroni and Cheese. Do NOT confuse this with Macaroni Salad, I don't want that cold, stinky, mayonnaise or mustard covered crap on my plate. If I'm eating ribs or brisket or even chicken all I want is some Mac n' Cheese to go with it. 

Cajun Corner

Or I should say "Pagin' the Doctor Corner". The food served at this restaurant is so bad for you that it puts McDonald's to shame. I'm not sure who is in charge of portion control at the Cajun Corner, but my Blackened Chicken Alfredo does not need a pound of butter melted over it. Also, why is my pre-dinner bread sitting in a pool of butter and Cajun seasoning? And when did butter become the  number one ingredient in Buttermilk Ranch dressing? The chef at this restaurant needs a crash course in "Cholesterol 101". 

River City Grill

Without a doubt, this is the best restaurant in Eufaula. I'm am slightly surprised that it even exists. Today for lunch I had a salad with blackened Salmon, cranberries, candied pecans and a  balsamic vinaigrette that was made from scratch. Nick had a Cajun penne pasta with andouille sausage and chicken and a cup of creamy potato and ham soup. Both were delicious. They also bring you freshly baked rolls with a homemade cinnamon butter. We've been served by the same waitress so many times that she has started callus us "her regulars". 

Joe's Food Factory

Joe's has a buffet-style lunch where you can choose 1 meat and 3 sides or 1 meat, 2 sides and a dessert for about $8. The way that it works is you tell the person behind the counter what items you want and they load a plate up for you. Last time we went I chose the 1 meat and 3 sides option and as the cashier was ringing us up she looked at my plate, then looked at me and said "Gurl, you can eat!". I wasn't really sure how to respond to that comment so I just said "Thank You?" and sat down at our table. 

This is the other place where we find ourselves becoming "regulars". Tuesday's is our favorite day to go because they have some of our favorite items on the menu. When we walk in a waitress will take our drink orders and set a table for us while we get our food at the main counter. It has gotten to the point that when the waitress  sees us walk in she automatically gets 2 glasses of water and sets a table up for us in the corner by the window. Kinda creepy, kinda cool. 

Tonight is going to be interesting. Not only are Nick and I going to a new restaurant in Eufaula for dinner, we will be joined by 20 or so of his coworkers. We are going to The Creek Restaurant and Lounge which is about 5 minutes south of town. I've been told by my boss that I will leave the restaurant smelling like cigarettes and grease. It sounds delightful. 

What Really Grinds My Gears

You know what REALLY grinds my gears?

Littering.

And Holy Mother of Jesus people do it around here a lot. I didn't notice it at first because you almost never see someone litter, you just see the repercussion of it along the side of the road. The littering pandemic in Eufaula was brought to my attention about 2 weeks ago. It was a Friday and I had just turned off the main Highway and was heading to pick up Nick for lunch. I noticed a crew of about 4 guys, in those horrid Oklahoma State (boooo) colored vests, picking up trash along the side of the road. When I came back after lunch they had finished picking up the trash and were mowing the grass along the side of the road. I noticed how nice the grass looked, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it looked so good. As soon as we turned down that road on Monday I figured it out. There was trash EVERYWHERE. It was like the crew hadn't even been there, the sheer amount of trash that had accumulated over the weekend was astounding. There were beer cans, soda bottles, fast food bags and even full bags of trash. Ever since then, every time I drive down that mile and a half stretch of road I am just blown away by the amount of trash that people are throwing out of their car, and it really, really grinds me gears. 

Yesterday I witnessed a blatant act of littering for the first time. I had just dropped Nick off at work and the guy in front of me threw a coffee cup out his window. Can you guess what kind of vehicle he was driving? A Barbour County Garbage Truck. Yep, the garbage man was littering. If he hadn't turned off the road I was going to pull up next to him at the light, look him straight in the eye, point at him, mouth the words "you suck" and then give him the thumbs down. It wasn't a great plan, and it would probably just either confuse the garbage man, or make him laugh. But, that started me thinking about what I would actually do if I saw someone littering again. A simple thumbs down or even the middle finger probably wouldn't get the message through to them, so I had to come up with something a little more creative. And this is what I came up with...

The next time I see someone blatantly littering I am going to take note of their car and license plate number, pull over, pick up their trash, hunt down their car and throw the trash on top of their car (if they leave their windows down then you can bet your ass I'm throwing it inside their car). I will also be leaving a note that say " Littering: Disgusting, isn't it?".

It's a perfect plan because

A. It's not illegal (I'm just a concerned citizen returning an item that I saw that person drop)

B. The person littering will most likely NEVER forget the message.

C. They will tell everyone they know what happened and soon the entire community will be scared to litter because they don't want a fried chicken bucket to be thrown in their front seat. 

I've already told Nick about this plan and he was only slightly amused, and mostly horrified that I might will go through with this, if given the opportunity. He said he's not sure what is more creepy about my plan, having trash you threw out of your window 3 miles down the road show up on your hood at the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, or the psychotic note that you would find stuck to your windshield. It's probably both. 

Memo to Heather:

Dear Heather,

In the future, I would appreciate it if you would use some common sense discretion when faxing my shot history for the Gardasil Immunization to my work office. For example, "Claire's Gardasil Shot History" is probably a more appropriate title for the cover letter than "Claire's HPV Report".

Especially when it is my manager who is receiving the fax. 

Thanks,

Claire

Murphy's Law

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

My first experience with Murphy's Law happened about 3 years ago. I was at a friend's lake house for the 4th of July. Now this was not one of those lake houses that your rich friend takes you to and you think "Holy hell this house costs more than my real house". This was an 800 sq. foot cabin on the lake with no shower, no television and no A/C. So what's a group of college aged, rambunctious kids to do? Well, we had a plastic baseball bat, no ball, and the yard was full of softball-sized pieces of tree bark, so naturally we started playing "Barkball". The concept was simple, someone would pitch a piece of bark and the batter would try to hit the tree bark as far into the yard as possible. Sounds like a great idea, right? 

We all take turns being the batter and the pitcher and eventually it's my turn to pitch. Keep in mind this game has been played flawlessly for the past hour. If it were a construction site there would be a large sign at the front that said "This site has been accident free for 1 hour". *Golf claps* I take my place in the yard to pitch and Kevin* steps up to bat. Kevin is a "sturdy:, but seemingly coordinated man, and I jokingly tell him "You better not hit me!". He assures me that he is not only great at "Barkball", but he is even better after that last Coors Light. I gently lob him a cantaloupe sized piece of bark which he immediately sends hurtling towards my right knee-cap at about 45 miles per hour. Next thing I know I'm on the ground with a bloody knee and Kevin is leaning over me saying "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I knew that was going to happen!"

Really Kevin?? You knew this would happen? Then why the hell did you do it?!?

If you're like Kevin and refuse to take responsibilities for accidents that you directly caused, then Murphy's Law is your solution.  How do you think Dick Cheney got away with his little Quail Hunting Incident?

*Names may have been changed because author can not remember the person's real name. 

So my most recent run-in with Murphy's Law happened last week. I need to preface this story by mentioning that I recently got a job. Now, it's no "resume booster", but it is a step above leaving a large blank space on my resume. Apparently, employers don't look too highly on a potential job candidate who has little to no work experience followed by a large period of unemployment. Snobs. 

My first day was last Thursday and it went pretty smoothly, my second day...not so smooth. As we were pulling into Nick's work I heard a strange flapping noise so I asked Nick to look at my tires when he got out. 

Me: "How do they look Honey??"

Nick: "Pretty good, except for this back one, I think you should go put some air in it."

I step out of the car to inspect the tire that Nick has implied is not flat and "just needs some air". The tire is flat, F-L-A-T. To give Nick some credit, it was early in the morning, he hadn't had his coffee yet and the tire did in fact "need some air". 

It also needed to not have a 5 inch gash in it (*note* gash in above picture). If I had of gotten this flat tire during my many weeks of unemployment it would have been no problem, just put on the donut and then I would have had all the time in the world to get it fixed. Since it was Friday, I even could have just waited until we were back in Columbus and gotten it fixed over the weekend. Could have...if we weren't planning to drive to Atlanta to fly to Dallas for the Tx vs. OU Red River Shootout that afternoon. 

So, as I'm sitting in the parking lot waiting for AAA to come save the day, I have to call my boss and tell her that I am going to be significantly late for my second day of work. I then have to take my car to "Jac's Auto and Tire Repair" since Eufaula does not have a National Tire and Battery (big shock there). The owner informed me that my tire cannot be salvaged and I need to get a new one, he also believes that my other rear tire is about to do the same thing and he recommended that I replace it. Since I have to drive to Atlanta and would prefer to not have my tire blow out while I'm driving 80 m.p.h on I-185, thus causing us to miss our flight and possibly our chance to see Texas beat the hell outta OU, I agreed to let him replace both tires.  Now there's a very likely chance that my tire would have been fine and this guy was just trying to get me to buy another tire from him, but with the way my luck was going that day I didn't want to take any chances. I decided to come back on my lunch break since I was already an hour late for work. I returned around 11 and the mechanic starts working on my car while I wait inside the office. I made small talk with the friendly secretary and eventually we were joined by another mechanic who was on his lunch break. He started making small talk with me also...

Mechanic: "Do you play golf?"

Me: "No, I've never tried. Do you?"

Mechanic: "Yea, I've been to a few courses around here blah, blah, blah"

Me: "Oh that's cool..."

*Silence*

Mechanic: "So where are you from?"

Me: "I just moved here from Austin."

*Silence*

Mechanic: "So...are you going to go to Eufaula High?"

*SILENCE*

I looked over at the secretary who is giving the mechanic a "you're an idiot" look, and then I looked back at the mechanic who just shrugged his shoulders, laughed and said, "what?" 

After closing my gaping mouth I informed the bright mechanic that I'm 22 years old and that I just graduated from the University of Texas. He apologized and luckily my car was ready just a few minutes later. As I drove away with my brand new tires I prayed that this streak of bad luck and poorly timed karmic events were geographically limited to Eufaula, AL and would not follow me to Dallas, TX. 24 hours later I was cheering the Longhorns to victory at a bar in Dallas with a dozen of my closest friends, and I knew the streak was broken. 

Overheard in Eufaula

Two old ladies in the bathroom

Granny #1: "...and then after that she is going to bring out some of her Santa Claus dolls for us to look at. She invited you to come doesn't that sound like fun?!?!?"

Granny #2: "Oh yes! Do you think I look alright?" 

*Granny Numero Dos is wearing a festive Halloween "holiday" sweater*

Granny #1: "Oh of course, you will be the cutest one there!"

Granny #2: "Are you sure?"

Granny #1: "Yes, you will definitely be the cutest one there, it's going to be so much fun! Don't you think it's going to be fun!"

Granny #2: "Yes, I just can't wait!"

I'm not sure what the strangest thing about this conversation was...

• The fact that the Granny dressed in a themed sweater is going to be the best dressed at this event.
• The fact that looking at someone's doll collection is considered a "fun night out".

or

•  The fact that peole are already pulling out Christmas decorations...in October!
  

The Laundromat

Since the wonderful apartment complex that I live in doesn't provide a washer and/or dryer so I am forced to visit The Laundromat once a week. Now, I am no stranger to not having a laundry machine. Freshman year, when I lived in the dorms on campus, I had to drag my laundry all the way down to the basement to use the washing machines. Of course, this laundry room was in a state-of-the-art dorm, had wireless, flat screen TV's and was next door to a Rec room with Billiards, Table Tennis and Foosball. The Laundromat in Eufaula is slightly different. The washing machines are from the early 1980's, the dryers have signs on them warning you against putting small children and/or animals in them, and the vending machines only serve "Diet Rite" soda and Pork Rinds. There is also an arcade located in the back of the building, but there is no sign advertising it, and people only enter/exit through the back door. I have no comment about the existence of this "arcade". 

I try to only visit the Laundromat early in the morning because:

A. It smells bad.

B. There is no air conditioning, therefore the hotter it gets, the more likely it is that I will spend the entire time breathing through my mouth and sweating.

C. The chance of having IEE rises exponentially with the time of the day.

My first IEE at the Laundromat: The Jehovah's Witness

I was sitting by the window at the front of the Laundromat reading a magazine and just minding my own business (which is something people around here don't do, which might explain why everyone seems to know that I'm "not from around here"). I've got my laptop bag, purse and 2 laundry baskets on the floor next to me when a woman walks in. She stops in front of me, smiles and kind of laughs to herself. Before I can do anything besides just stare at her she starts telling me that she thought my laundry basket was a baby basket (also implying that she thought there was a baby in it). She pointed to my cloth lined, wicker laundry basket at which point I joined in with her laugher out of sheer horror, not finding this situation the slightest bit funny. 

The First red flag in this situation is the fact that this woman thought I was of average child bearing age, despite the fact that I was carded the last time I went to see a rated "R" movie. Second red flag: Not only does she think I am at an appropriate age to have a child, but she somehow thinks that I physically look like I've given birth to an infant in recent months. 

Third red flag: This woman was under the impression that, had I actually had a child, was carrying said child around in a WICKER BASKET. 

She then proceeded to tell me her life story while I silently I tried to figure out why this woman was still talking to me instead of doing laundry. When she was done she handed me a pamphlet and walked out the door. I chalked it up to just another IEE, until I looked at the pamphlet and realized that she was a Jehovah's Witness and not just a friendly, yet misguided, local. I turned around just in time to see her drive away in her 1980's Camry with the Alabama license plate "J-Hova".

My afternoon IEE: Staring McCreepster

I partly blame myself for this IEE since I had decided to do my laundry in the afternoon, instead of in the morning due to the fact that I wasted my entire morning surfing the web at Blue Moon. I was extra sleepy that afternoon since I had just had lunch, it was hot outside, and it was almost the weekend. I figured that it would be alright to doze off for a bit while my laundry was in the washing machine. There was only one person in the Laundromat and he was sitting at the front. I figured if I positioned myself just right I could lean my chair against the back row of washers and no one would notice me sleeping. I managed to doze off for about 20 minutes while my clothes were in the washer, which just made me even more sleepy. I feel back asleep while my clothes were in the dryer and when I woke up I had a stiff neck and no circulation on my hands since I had a death grip my purse. The same guy was still sitting in the front and he stared at my while I pulled my clothes out of the dryer. This was not the usual "Oops you caught me staring at you so I'm going to look away immediately" kind of stare it was more like, "I am going to blatantly stare at you because you are a stranger and I have no concept of how uncomfortable it will make you" stare. After awkwardly making eye-contact half a dozen times he finally initiated a conversation. *Side Note* people around here tend to skip any form of a greeting and begin almost all conversations with a question.

Staring McCreepster: "You sleepy?"

Me: "No, I have a rare disease that causes me to fall asleep in seedy Laundromats" 

Staring McCreepster: "What?"

Me: "I said, yes I'm very tired today"

Staring McCreepster: "Where do you live?"

*Please note that he did not ask "Where are you from?"*

Me: "I live in Columbus, I just moved here from Austin."

Staring McCreepster: "How old are you?"

Me: "I'm 22."

Staring McCreepster: "You married?"

Me: "No. I live with my boyfriend."

Staring McCreepster: "You got any kids?"

KIDS? PLURAL?!?!

Not only do I have a problem with this guy asking me if I have kids for the reasons mentioned in the Jehovah's Witness section, but I also just told him that I'm NOT married. Staring McCreepster's skills obviously do not lie within the art of conversation making. 

I told him "No." and picked up the pace of my laundry folding in order to get out of there before the conversation really went downhill. 

Since my last IEE I started going to a new Laundromat aptly called "Superior Laundromat". There are video games located in the front of the building, the washing machines are all from this decade, and the vending machines serve Pepsi and Chex Mix. Does this mean I don't have any IEE's, of course not, but I do get to breath through my nose the entire time which is all a girl can really ask for. 

My most recent IEE: The Nosy Old Guy

I was sitting at the front of the new Laundromat with my laptop, just minding my own business. I noticed this old(er) man come into the Laundromat, but I'm fairly preoccupied with what I'm doing on my laptop so I don't really pay attention to what he is doing. He could have started River Dancing and I probably would have just kept staring at my computer screen. Now, I would guess that this man was about 65 years old based on his receding hairline and noticeable poor dental hygiene, but he could have easily been 20 years younger than that and just had a "rough" life. There is also a mother with 2 small girls, and another middle aged woman doing laundry at the same time. Yet for some reason as the man is leaving he decides to strike up a conversation with me. Again starting with a question and not a greeting...

Nosy Old Guy: "You doing homework on there?" *points towards my laptop*

As I start to tell this guy "no" he actually leans over my shoulder to see what I'm doing on my computer. Now in most all cultures, this would be considered rude, but once you reach a certain age (65+?) you seem to be able to do whatever you want and most people just blame it on the Dementia. It just so happens that I was working on a draft for my blog and the last this I want is for a local to stumble upon my blog so I quickly minimize the page, leaving Nosy Old Man staring at my background which is a picture of me and Nick from my sister's rehearsal dinner. In retrospect I wish I had of just kept the page open because at least then I wouldn't have had to spend the next 3 minutes feeling ridiculously uncomfortable while Nosy Old Guy stares at this picture of me and tells me how pretty I look. 

Next time, I'm bringing a book. 

Eufaula Players

There are two ways to pronounce Eufaula. 

1. The "You're not from around here" version: Eufaula- (You-fall-ah)

2. The local "Eufaulian" version" Eufaula- (Yew-fawl-eh)

The people that I interact with during the week tend to fall into the second category and consequently will be mention frequently. These are the Eufaula Players...

1. "Miss" Terri: Only in the South will you find a grown, married woman being referred to as "Miss". Miss Terri owns Blue Moon Coffee Shop/Cyber Cafe and is the only person who spends more time here than I do. I am eternally grateful to Terri for having the guts to open Blue Moon despite her claim that she had "absolutely no idea what she was doing". She gets a lot of help and support from her husband Hubert and son Bobby. If Hubert were an action figure his only accessory would be a stainless steel travel coffee mug. I've never see him fill it up so I can't say for sure what he's drinking, but I just get that feeling that it's not coffee. Bobby is Terri's youngest son, he has Down Syndrome and is only in the coffee shop early in the morning and mid-afternoon since he goes to a special school for adults during the day. He keeps my afternoons interesting by calling me his "Buttercup" and then asking me if I'm pregnant. 

2. The Cooper Gang: This is the group of men that Nick works with. We often run into them during lunch at one of the 2 or 3 good restaurants in town. There's Bruce, who is in a wheelchair and is probably the nicest person I've ever met. He could even talk trash about the UT football team and I would still like him.  Then there's John and Alfredo, or as I call them, Tweedle-nerd and Tweedle-nerdier. They are super smart over-achievers who love to work and when they aren't working (i.e. lunch) they like to talk about work, they probably even sleep in little Cooper PJ's so they can dream about work. They might be the only people in the world who look forward to Monday more than Friday. Next is "Mustache Mike", he rides a motorcycle and has a large mustache, and that's all I know about him because every time he speaks I start daydreaming about the walrus from Alice in Wonderland. Last is Scott, who in what I can only guess was an attempt to impress me, told me he has a motorcycle, a truck, a camper, a boat and "Small Man Syndrome". 

3. Various Coffee Shop "Regulars": There are a few people who hang out in the coffee shop enough to notice me and strike up a conversation, usually leading to an IEE (Interesting Eufaula Encounter). John is a 41 year old architect with a degree from Harvard, he is Terri's cousin and the only local I've met who falls into Category 1. We instantly had a bond when we pulled out our matching black Mac laptops, not because we had the same computer, but because we were the only people in town who knew how to use a Mac. Sadly, he will be moving to Pennsylvania soon, effectively leaving me with no one who can "feel my pain" about living in Eufaula. Ronnie and Ed are morning regulars and are the only people that ask me if I've "found a job yet" more than my mother. Yolanda, Ashley and Amber are the three main girls that work at Blue Moon during the day. Yolanda can best be described as "sassy" and the type of woman who doesn't take s*** from anyone. One time I heard Bobby tell her that she had a "big butt" to which she responded "Shut up Bobby, you're fatter than I am" to which he responded "I'm a MAN, I'm a FAT MAN!" Ashley is a sweet 19 year old who just had a baby and has that crazed "I-haven't-slept-in-a-week" look that makes me avoid making eye-contact with her. Amber is a very sharp and cute 20 year old who is more suited for "city life" (as the locals call it). I'm secretly scheming to convince her to move to Austin. 

4. Mayor Jaxon: As the title implies, Mayor Jaxon is the Mayor of Eufaula, and he was recently re-elected for his 6th or so term. I met the Mayor, at the advice of coffee shop John, about a month ago. We chatted about how I ended up in Eufaula, the town, the locals, and my chances of finding a job (slim). When he was looking over my resume he noticed that my address was in Columbus instead of Eufaula and the following conversation ensued... 

Mayor: "You moved here from Columbus?" 

Me: "No sir, I moved to Columbus from Austin and that is where I currently live." 

Mayor: "Are you planning to move to Eufaula in the future?"

Me: "(mentally calculating the cost of breaking my 12 month lease and losing my $700 security deposit while having a slight panic attack at the though of living in Eufaula) "Umm I'm not sure." 

Mayor: *removes glasses, places hands on desk and makes direct eye-contact with me* "You know you really should move here, we could really use people like you." 

At which point I break into a cold sweat and look around the room to make sure I'm still in the Mayor's office and not in the Army recruiting office. I tell him that I'll think about it and I leave his office feeling more like I just left the Principals office than the Mayor's. Since that first meeting I have run into the Mayor at Blue Moon, the Chamber of Commerce, local restaurants and of course Wal-Mart and he always asks me when I'm moving to Eufaula. 

5. "Billy-Jim" and "Geraldine-Mae": I'm not sure why I gave these two nicknames to hide their true identity. The chances of them actually ever reading my blog are about as high as the Mayor convincing me to move to Eufaula. Anyway, these two are married and work at the Humane Society that I volunteer at. From what I can tell they spend more time interacting with animals than humans, which tends to make my visits very interesting.  I can tell that Geraldine-Mae truly has a passion for animals and enjoys her work greatly. Billy-Jim is another story. The very first time I went to volunteer I asked him if he had a favorite dog at the Humane Society, to which he responded, "I hate them all". He then pulled his cigarette away from his mouth long enough to smile at me, which was either because he just made a joke (in which case I don't get Hillbilly humor) or because he saw the look of horror on my face and was trying to reassure me that he doesn't actually hate puppies. Charming. 

How To Pass Time In Eufaula

Being Unemployed and forced to spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in a small town with absolutely no form of entertainment forces one to become quite creative (don't confuse"creative" with "desperate"). Fortunately, I have found a few places where I can hang out and pass the time. The following places are the only things that keep me from finding a remote, shaded place where I can park my car and take a nap. 

1. Blue Moon Coffee Shop/Cyber Cafe: This is where I spend 90% of my time. If this little sanctuary didn't exist then I would quite possibly be writing this at the local Arby's, which for some reason or another, is the only other place in town with free wireless. My worst nightmare is if Blue Moon had to close down. I can see myself sitting in my car in the back of the Arby's parking lot trying to steal wireless because the thought of eating another Roast Beef Sandwich makes me want to vomit before lapsing into a saturated fat induced coma. Blue Moon is my home away from home and without it I would probably attempt to enroll in the local High School and join the soccer team. 

2. The Humane Society: Not only is this animal shelter located 10 miles down a country road in a black hole for cell phone reception, but it is right next to the dump. Despite its obvious appeal I find myself driving out there at least once a week to volunteer. I like to think that it brings me good karma that hopefully negates some of the thoughts about Eufaula that swirl around in my head. It is run by a young married couple whose real names I have lovingly run through the "Hillbilly name generator". They will now go by "Billy-Jim" and "Geraldine-Mae". These are very sweet and simple people that love animals almost as much as they love their Marlboros. I found a tick on one of the dogs the other day and then watched in amazement as Billy-Jim pulled the tick off the dog, set the tick on the porch, take a long draw from his cigarette, and then used the tick as an ash tray. I'm hoping my next visit will also involve creative cigarette use so I can compile a list of "Top Ten Interesting Things To Do With Your Cigarette Besides Smoking It".

3. The Laundromat: The one thing our luxury apartment lacks is a washing machine and a dryer. So once a week I gather up all the laundry and haul it down to Eufaula and spend my morning at the Laundromat. Despite the fact that the entire facility is used for cleaning clothing with pleasant smelling laundry detergent there is an underlying smell that can only be described as "walking downwind of a dumpster" smell. This is the place where most of my Interesting Eufaula Encounters occur (IEE's). For some reason it seems that I am a conversation magnet when I am at the Laundromat. Most conversations start out with "Where are you from?" I'm convinced the people in this town have a 6th sense for "outsiders". Needless to say, its creepy. 

4. The Eufaula Fitness & Aerobic Center: Words can't adequately describe this gym. I spent 2 years at UT working at a multi-million dollar gym on campus that makes the Eufaula Fitness Center look like Galveston Island after Hurricane Ike. The fitness center visually stuns its patrons with green carpet, fake wood paneled walls and cardio equipment from the Reagan Era. Don't be fooled though, the fitness center has its high points. You pay month to month (no one year contract), it's NEVER crowded, and the shower is remarkably clean (although I do wonder if that is due to the fact that it has probably never been used by anyone...ever). 

5. Wal-Mart: Are you surprised? Of course not, it's Smalltown, USA, so naturally (in an effort to fit in) I go to Wal-Mart. Need more khaki colored socks? Wal-Mart. Lost my Chapstick? Wal-Mart. Want a magazine to read at the Laundromat so people won't try to talk to me? Wal-Mart. Oh and if anyone is still having trouble finding a Nintendo Wii, I'm pretty sure this Wal-Mart still has a bunch from their original shipment. 

So there you have it. The large majority of my stories will take place at one or more of these locations. In fact, I'm running low on clean socks so it's either Wal-Mart or the Laundromat...

Today is day 52

Here's everything you need to know about me...

I come from a family of scientists. My parents are the two smartest people I have ever met, my sister is a rocket scientist and my brother is pursuing a degree in microbiology (or something along those lines). And then there's me, a social butterfly with a degree in the largest major (Government), from the largest school (Liberal Arts), from the largest University (UT Austin) in the largest state in the continental United States (Texas). I graduated in May and this is my life now. 

I'm living with/off my boyfriend of over a year, Nick. Nick is living every college graduates dream, he got offered a great job straight out of college with a salary that us Liberal Arts kids only dream about. There's good news and bad news about this job. The bad news, it's in Eufaula Alabama, the good news, he only has to work here for 1 year. Only 365 days...today is day 52. Now not everyone would share my sentiment about Eufaula, AL. It's a cute little town with a lake and that wonderful "small town" feel to it. However, for a 22 year old recent college grad from Austin, TX, it is the stuff nightmares are made of. No mall, no movie theater, the grocery store is called Piggly Wiggly, and every man over the age of 50 calls me "Sugar". Its for these reasons (and a few more) that we decided to live in a neighboring town with a population of about 200,000. The downside...it's an hour away. That means a 1 hour commute each day at 7:15 am and about 3 tanks of a gas a week. 

It's easily the craziest thing I have ever done in my life. It is also the best decision I've ever made. I have learned more about myself, life and love in these past few weeks than I have ever learned before. 

This blog is about my experiences adjusting to small town life, living with Nick, and surviving without my parents checkbook.