How To Pass Time In Eufaula

Being Unemployed and forced to spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in a small town with absolutely no form of entertainment forces one to become quite creative (don't confuse"creative" with "desperate"). Fortunately, I have found a few places where I can hang out and pass the time. The following places are the only things that keep me from finding a remote, shaded place where I can park my car and take a nap. 

1. Blue Moon Coffee Shop/Cyber Cafe: This is where I spend 90% of my time. If this little sanctuary didn't exist then I would quite possibly be writing this at the local Arby's, which for some reason or another, is the only other place in town with free wireless. My worst nightmare is if Blue Moon had to close down. I can see myself sitting in my car in the back of the Arby's parking lot trying to steal wireless because the thought of eating another Roast Beef Sandwich makes me want to vomit before lapsing into a saturated fat induced coma. Blue Moon is my home away from home and without it I would probably attempt to enroll in the local High School and join the soccer team. 

2. The Humane Society: Not only is this animal shelter located 10 miles down a country road in a black hole for cell phone reception, but it is right next to the dump. Despite its obvious appeal I find myself driving out there at least once a week to volunteer. I like to think that it brings me good karma that hopefully negates some of the thoughts about Eufaula that swirl around in my head. It is run by a young married couple whose real names I have lovingly run through the "Hillbilly name generator". They will now go by "Billy-Jim" and "Geraldine-Mae". These are very sweet and simple people that love animals almost as much as they love their Marlboros. I found a tick on one of the dogs the other day and then watched in amazement as Billy-Jim pulled the tick off the dog, set the tick on the porch, take a long draw from his cigarette, and then used the tick as an ash tray. I'm hoping my next visit will also involve creative cigarette use so I can compile a list of "Top Ten Interesting Things To Do With Your Cigarette Besides Smoking It".

3. The Laundromat: The one thing our luxury apartment lacks is a washing machine and a dryer. So once a week I gather up all the laundry and haul it down to Eufaula and spend my morning at the Laundromat. Despite the fact that the entire facility is used for cleaning clothing with pleasant smelling laundry detergent there is an underlying smell that can only be described as "walking downwind of a dumpster" smell. This is the place where most of my Interesting Eufaula Encounters occur (IEE's). For some reason it seems that I am a conversation magnet when I am at the Laundromat. Most conversations start out with "Where are you from?" I'm convinced the people in this town have a 6th sense for "outsiders". Needless to say, its creepy. 

4. The Eufaula Fitness & Aerobic Center: Words can't adequately describe this gym. I spent 2 years at UT working at a multi-million dollar gym on campus that makes the Eufaula Fitness Center look like Galveston Island after Hurricane Ike. The fitness center visually stuns its patrons with green carpet, fake wood paneled walls and cardio equipment from the Reagan Era. Don't be fooled though, the fitness center has its high points. You pay month to month (no one year contract), it's NEVER crowded, and the shower is remarkably clean (although I do wonder if that is due to the fact that it has probably never been used by anyone...ever). 

5. Wal-Mart: Are you surprised? Of course not, it's Smalltown, USA, so naturally (in an effort to fit in) I go to Wal-Mart. Need more khaki colored socks? Wal-Mart. Lost my Chapstick? Wal-Mart. Want a magazine to read at the Laundromat so people won't try to talk to me? Wal-Mart. Oh and if anyone is still having trouble finding a Nintendo Wii, I'm pretty sure this Wal-Mart still has a bunch from their original shipment. 

So there you have it. The large majority of my stories will take place at one or more of these locations. In fact, I'm running low on clean socks so it's either Wal-Mart or the Laundromat...